Fears

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve talked health, and I’m trying to decide if health is really what I want the focus of my blog to be. To be honest, writing about whatever comes to mind is much more helpful to me, as I can be me with no repercussions. I have enjoyed sharing what I eat, but I really want my blog to be a real place with my real thoughts. I will adjust the blog name as needed, but healthy living will still be discussed, have no fear if that’s why you’re here.

I’ve been overthinking my life lately, cause why not. I’ve realized (and have known this for a while), that I really suck at spending time with quality people, and spending time by myself. My entire life all I’ve known is school and work. I’ve now graduated with my degree, and work full time, but I struggle at knowing what to do in my free time. I have friends, but not many. I also don’t get too close to friends, because I lost all of mine in middle school. I don’t have a best friend, just a few good ones. I don’t let them get too deep into my life though, the thought of someone knowing me is horrifying.

My boyfriend is the only person I’ve told some details too, but not a lot. I don’t have a dark history or anything, but telling people about me is hard. It feels safe in a box, pretending that I never get sad or scared, or anything. I smile, to just add positive energy, make life better. Don’t get me wrong, I am a pretty happy person. But sometimes, I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop crying because I imagine losing all my friends because I don’t nurture our friendship enough. I imagine losing my boyfriend to some other girl, because he’s pretty great, and I work so often, maybe he’d decide to end it. I imagine losing my parents or siblings. But I tell no one. Its easier to just go to work.

I wish I could change a thing or two from when I grew up. I wish I could have the same, but slightly different life. One where I’m not afraid of being close. One where I’m not crying because I imagine everyone leaving.

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