When the Fire Within Begins to Fade

I have a passion to make the world a better place. There are many things I enjoy, but the only passion I have is to make the world a better place. I want to help people save themselves from the darkness they feel. I want to help them carry the weight of the world on their shoulders.

But the more I talk to people. The more time I listen, and provide support, the more it kills me. It makes me want to change myself. To better help them. But over and over, the flame dissipates. Over and over, I feel my heart break when I can’t help someone achieve their goals. The more disappointed I get, the smaller my flame gets.

But then I face a day in which I watch progress made. Someone took a step forward and divulged in self-care, and I root for them. There will be a day when they can fight the battle with less help. The fire reignites.

My head hurts from a headache, my body aches for sleep. I have been drinking sugary coffee drinks again, more than normal. I haven’t cooked, and my laundry is piling up. I’ve been spending too much time worrying about others, I haven’t helped myself. I sleep, but I don’t feel rested. I’m worried about my next step to help someone, I haven’t followed my own advice.

I spend time meditating, making green tea, and packing a dinner I actually made. The fire within me to encourage someone else to take care of themselves is burning. I can only reignite the flame, and keep it going, when I take care of myself. The empath in me says to ignore your self-care as there’s people to help. The realistic me says, “save yourself too.”

These are just some thoughts I’ve had lately, as work has been hectic. I have eaten two gas station sandwiches today, with meat. I have felt like I’ve been indigested and nauseas. I have the next few days off and I plan on filling them with self-care. I have plans to see friends tomorrow evening, after a training. I also plan to spend time with my boyfriend, and see the movie Us. I know the days will fly by, but just knowing I don’t have to work is rejuvenating.  I’m glad gas prices are increasing, as it’s encouraging to cook more and save money that way. I also find the sunlight more encouraging to cook, and live a healthier life. Starting tomorrow (3/25), I’m gonna work towards hitting one month meat free (I’ll eat fish more than likely). It’s the goal I have created for myself a long time ago, of just going one month. I need to complete it. I will also try and write more as a way to hold myself accountable over the month.

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