Mental Health Awareness

April was stress awareness month, and so I decided to challenge myself to meditating every day for the month. It was easy to keep track, as the Headspace app keeps my day streak, and tells me every day. I have noticed I feel so much better when I spend time every day quieting my mind. Most days I did the 1-3 minute sessions, as I would do it prior to going into work. Even those I couldn’t get enough of. Just breathing, helped me notice how tense my shoulders get. Each day, I was able to drop them and feel a little more at ease. I definitely will continue practicing this each day, especially as we enter into Mental Health Awareness month.

Mental Health Awareness month is something I encourage everyone to celebrate, and take time to notice their own mental health. We all have mental health, and we should all be doing what we can to make sure we are able to do our best. This month, I’m going to try and get back into my routine of hitting the gym (I was unable to this week due to a family issue), and incorporate yoga and more meditation. I’m also aiming to read more, and spend more time working on myself. I’ve recently been having more people come into my life who have similar mindsets as me, and who help me be the best me. I want to attract more people like that into my life, so each day, I’ll be spending time journaling, writing for this blog, exercising, and meditating. I encourage all of you to do the same.

I also plan to try and make this a routine, and have a post each week. I’m unsure of what day, and unsure what the topics will pertain too, but I’m going to do it.

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Dreams and Aspirations in 1 Month

One of my boards on Pinterest is about writing ideas. I am not a novelist or author, but I made it because I needed journal entry ideas, and now I need blog ideas. One pin I have saved gave many ideas, one being to write down my goals for the next thirty days.  Here’s my goals for the next 30 days (April 19, 2019-May 19, 2019).

I want to cook more, and spend more time in the kitchen. It doesn’t look like that will happen this weekend, but over the next 30 days, I want to create my own master piece lunch and dinners. Whether it’s a simple pasta, or a fancy Pinterest recipe, I’ll be cooking.

I want to volunteer more. I volunteer with the Crisis Text Line as a Crisis Counselor, and at the beginning of the year I promised myself I would finish the time commitment. I’ve done 18.5 hours since January, and I have 37 hours to go to hit my time commitment. I’m hoping between today, and May 19, I can do an extra 6 hours. I’ve been striving to do 6 hours a month compared to the 4.75 hours that would have me completing in December.

I want to learn ASL. I already started a course on Udemy, but I have not been consistent with practicing and utilizing my time to learn the skill. In the next 30 days, I want to have completed the alphabet and learned some other words/phrases.

I want to stretch more. I’m good at moving the body, but I’ve been stiff a lot. I want to spend more time stretching and doing Yoga over the next month. I always feel great after stretching, but for some reason, I never do it.

My last goal is to donate more clothes, and fill my closet with things that fit me. I’ve been consistently losing weight, and I still buy clothes too big for me. Part of that is from online shopping, and not trying things on. The other part of that is from me just being used to wearing large clothes. I want to bring in a new wardrobe.

It’s just some basic goals, and in 30 days, I’ll make a new post about how many I achieved and how I feel. I encourage you guys to set some goals for thirty days, and try and remain consistent with achieving them. There’s no better feeling than knowing you accomplished something that you wanted to achieve.

Fears

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve talked health, and I’m trying to decide if health is really what I want the focus of my blog to be. To be honest, writing about whatever comes to mind is much more helpful to me, as I can be me with no repercussions. I have enjoyed sharing what I eat, but I really want my blog to be a real place with my real thoughts. I will adjust the blog name as needed, but healthy living will still be discussed, have no fear if that’s why you’re here.

I’ve been overthinking my life lately, cause why not. I’ve realized (and have known this for a while), that I really suck at spending time with quality people, and spending time by myself. My entire life all I’ve known is school and work. I’ve now graduated with my degree, and work full time, but I struggle at knowing what to do in my free time. I have friends, but not many. I also don’t get too close to friends, because I lost all of mine in middle school. I don’t have a best friend, just a few good ones. I don’t let them get too deep into my life though, the thought of someone knowing me is horrifying.

My boyfriend is the only person I’ve told some details too, but not a lot. I don’t have a dark history or anything, but telling people about me is hard. It feels safe in a box, pretending that I never get sad or scared, or anything. I smile, to just add positive energy, make life better. Don’t get me wrong, I am a pretty happy person. But sometimes, I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop crying because I imagine losing all my friends because I don’t nurture our friendship enough. I imagine losing my boyfriend to some other girl, because he’s pretty great, and I work so often, maybe he’d decide to end it. I imagine losing my parents or siblings. But I tell no one. Its easier to just go to work.

I wish I could change a thing or two from when I grew up. I wish I could have the same, but slightly different life. One where I’m not afraid of being close. One where I’m not crying because I imagine everyone leaving.

Vulnerability

I’ve been reading Brenè Brown lately, and she has a lot to say about vulnerability, shame, and courage. All three corelate, yet most people only want to be known as courageous. Being vulnerable, is the most difficult thing for me to be. It means telling people about myself, and that is something I can’t stand to do. I feel that if I talk about myself, I’m being selfish. I’m not trying to brag, I’m not trying to make people give me sympathy, I just want to share what’s on my mind. Yet, I can’t do it. I recently got told by my friends that I should have told them something going on, but I didn’t. My reasoning? They needed to focus on school, and had their own things going on. But I almost lost my mom when she became septic due to a disease, and then found out a few weeks later she had breast cancer. I went through this battle alone because it was safer that way. I had me, myself, and I to help through it.  But if I could have had a hug, or someone to say “I’m sorry you’re going through that,” maybe I would’ve been better. I was even asked today what “Daring Greatly” was about, and I couldn’t even say much because I felt selfish speaking, and felt uncomfortable, like “what if I talk about the book wrong?” A book I was reading, I was too afraid to share with others. Vulnerability to me is being selfish and opening up. Even about describing a book.

I want to be known as a courageous woman. I want to take risks, put myself out there, and achieve things most people don’t. To do this, I need to be vulnerable. I need to let my guard down, and share with people things that have happened to me. I have to get over feeling selfish, it’s not selfish to say what you need to say. It’s necessary to need connection in life as well, and vulnerability  assists in creating that connection. The more I hold my emotions inside me, the more they come out when I’m alone. My anger, my sadness, my frustrations. I’ll cry them all out, and feel so alone. But I’m not alone. I have been choosing to be alone. And right now, I’m choosing to not be alone. I’m going to start choosing vulnerability, and allowing myself to open up around people. It doesn’t matter what they have to say about my thoughts, but I’m going to allow myself to be who I am. So here I go.

I have lost weight, and while I do feel more confident with my body and my looks, I still wish I could be prettier and skinnier.  I wish I wasn’t so awkward, and so shy. I’ve learned to embrace my awkwardness and embarrassing moments, but I wish I wasn’t. I wish I was outgoing, able to talk to anyone and everyone with small talk. I wish I didn’t crave connecting with every conversation. I am okay not connecting, but I wish there was more connections.  I wish I was smarter, I wish I had more knowledge about everything, and didn’t feel so lost when people talk about things going on. Especially about actors/actresses, singers, etc. I’m always so behind. The last thing I wish I could change is my desire to always be busy. I work second shift, and I struggle just letting myself relax before work. I feel like I must do so many things, and relax only after work. I’m working on changing this, but it’s so difficult. I know I can accomplish many things if I keep busy and push myself to it.

These may be things I want to change, but there’s still a lot of great things about me. I’m loving, I’m kind, and I am open minded to different things. I’m a hard worker, and I’m always willing to go an extra mile to make things happen. I’m also dependable, and I know people know they can count on me to complete tasks, as well as be there for them. This is me, and this is me trying to be vulnerable. Even as an anonymous person.

When the Fire Within Begins to Fade

I have a passion to make the world a better place. There are many things I enjoy, but the only passion I have is to make the world a better place. I want to help people save themselves from the darkness they feel. I want to help them carry the weight of the world on their shoulders.

But the more I talk to people. The more time I listen, and provide support, the more it kills me. It makes me want to change myself. To better help them. But over and over, the flame dissipates. Over and over, I feel my heart break when I can’t help someone achieve their goals. The more disappointed I get, the smaller my flame gets.

But then I face a day in which I watch progress made. Someone took a step forward and divulged in self-care, and I root for them. There will be a day when they can fight the battle with less help. The fire reignites.

My head hurts from a headache, my body aches for sleep. I have been drinking sugary coffee drinks again, more than normal. I haven’t cooked, and my laundry is piling up. I’ve been spending too much time worrying about others, I haven’t helped myself. I sleep, but I don’t feel rested. I’m worried about my next step to help someone, I haven’t followed my own advice.

I spend time meditating, making green tea, and packing a dinner I actually made. The fire within me to encourage someone else to take care of themselves is burning. I can only reignite the flame, and keep it going, when I take care of myself. The empath in me says to ignore your self-care as there’s people to help. The realistic me says, “save yourself too.”

These are just some thoughts I’ve had lately, as work has been hectic. I have eaten two gas station sandwiches today, with meat. I have felt like I’ve been indigested and nauseas. I have the next few days off and I plan on filling them with self-care. I have plans to see friends tomorrow evening, after a training. I also plan to spend time with my boyfriend, and see the movie Us. I know the days will fly by, but just knowing I don’t have to work is rejuvenating.  I’m glad gas prices are increasing, as it’s encouraging to cook more and save money that way. I also find the sunlight more encouraging to cook, and live a healthier life. Starting tomorrow (3/25), I’m gonna work towards hitting one month meat free (I’ll eat fish more than likely). It’s the goal I have created for myself a long time ago, of just going one month. I need to complete it. I will also try and write more as a way to hold myself accountable over the month.

Rejuvenating the Mind and Body

This past week, I made Spinach and Tortellini soup, and it was great. It was simple to make, full of veggies, and tasted great. The only complaints I have for it is that I used way too much tortellini, and didn’t have much broth to cover it. Broth makes the soup worth it. My other complaint is that it was a bit bland, as there weren’t any spices. Which is the challenge I continue to face, learning spices. I recently made Rasta Pasta with my boyfriend, which was full of spices, vegetables, and sauces. It made the pasta have an incredible flavor, and I wish every meal would taste that great. I’m trying to find that same energy for all meals, because it fulfilled my soul.

Speaking of fulfilling my soul, this past week has been another eye-opening time to realize how much sleep impacts the body, and the mind. Work has been hectic, and I’ve stayed about an hour late each night, and worked an extra shift for someone else. One day, I figured that maybe I needed some exercise, so when I got out of bed, I headed to the gym. While it felt nice to work out, I didn’t feel replenished like I typically do. It was a cold, rainy day, so I got some coffee prior to work to help. The caffeine kicked in, and I was able to be there, but I still felt odd. I told myself that I’d for sure get sleep. I went to bed that night, and meditated beforehand to fully relax. Again, I woke up in the morning not feeling as replenished as I had hoped, so I decided to spend time trying to start learning American Sign Language (ASL), and cooked. I drank caffeinated tea that day, to help get me through the cold weather and grogginess I still felt. The same patterns repeated, and Friday I became extra groggy due to being woken up from someone barging into my room, and then sleeping for a short period after. The sun was finally shining, and I hoped that would lead to feeling refreshed, but I felt the worst I had all week. I drank some coffee to make it through work, but every little thing on the planet was causing major frustrations for me. When I made it home Friday night, I vowed to let myself sleep in, and told myself it was okay to sleep. I woke up around 10:00 am, and spent time finishing a book someone had given me, and thought it’d be a great Saturday. I heard the kids I live with screaming, and got sass when I was making oatmeal. Typically, things wouldn’t get to me and under my skin like that, but it did. I went to the gym to separate myself, and again thought, this will be great. I realized slowly, that all I needed was to rest my body. I took a shower, put my laundry away, and took a nap. I felt groggy, but I felt better than I have. I had no plans to see anyone, and declared that I’d spent the night having a movie night by myself. It’s okay to give yourself permission to rest, no one can be 100% when they’re running all day every day.

The lesson from the past week has been, rest, and eat foods that make you feel good. That is what will encourage you to perform at your highest. Take sometime this week to do something rejuvenating, whether it’s a quick walk or a power nap. You all deserve to rest and feel good.

Introduction

Hello, my name is going to be kept anonymous on here. This is my space to write about my journey of a healthy life, as well as other things that arise. I’m currently working towards becoming vegetarian, and I felt that having a place to write would help hold me accountable. I want to be able to share my journey and hear others going through similar journeys, or even opposite journeys. Health is not only physical, but also mental. I will be sharing my journey of keeping my mental health on track, and how I manage self-care when life is overwhelming. As with life, things pop up, and other things are prominent. I’ll be sharing some opinion pieces on these prominent events, but I will try to limit those.

Here’s a bit about me: throughout my life, I have lost 60 pounds, and am looking for new ways to continue living healthy. I watched a documentary on how eating meat is unhealthy for the environment, and have also been realizing how unhealthy I feel when I eat a lot of meat. Once in a while, it doesn’t hurt, but every day it has led to me feeling not the greatest. I have been trying a variety of vegetarian and vegan recipes, right now my favorite is Vegan chili. It’s been incredibly eye opening to see how fabulous foods taste without any meat product. Due to work, I haven’t been the best at making meals. I have been buying frozen vegan and vegetarian microwavable meals, and those also taste better than meat based. Vegetables are quite versatile, and I encourage you all to try eating meals that are more vegetables than anything else, you’ll be surprised.

I’m a person who struggles with ruminations, overthinking, and just thinking too much. Cooking has been one past time that I can partake in that allows me to be me, but I’ve also learned to love meditation. I use the Headspace app, and I adore it. The voices of the people who lead the sessions are soothing, which makes for great sessions. Headspace allows for people to go through different courses to focus on various things people need help with. The first course is a basics course, which introduces meditation to all. There’s variety to the courses, from self-esteem to managing anxiety to even ways to be more productive at work. I highly recommend the app for anyone who can use some guidance with meditating. Along with meditation, I enjoy mindfulness, and just being present in every minute. It’s changed my perspective on a lot, but like all things, I can be more mindful of life.

This is just the beginning of my journey here, and I hope that I can teach you something about life, or even just bring some light to your life.

 
Take care!